It’s 8:44am right now and I’m enjoying this moment of solitude in the school. Most of my classes usually start at about 0930 or 1030 and I have this tendency to come like one hour before my classes. I just like being early and planting myself somewhere to give me time to get ready for school.
These past few days I’ve been learning how to commune with Jesus all over again, especially on the way to school. It’s always never easy to focus on 1 thing especially when I’m a huge multi-tasker and it just makes me super distracted half the time! hah, talk about self-control. That’s something I’m learning also in this period. The essential idea of self-control that comes with waiting and not giving in. Control has a lot to do with our self-centredness because we want things to go the way we want it – as if our world collapses if they don’t. But truth is, the surrender of control often brings about a lot more clarity. And in the midst of learning how to surrender control and reducing self-centredness, we find ourselves on a road of sanctification.
This morning, I find God putting these words in me,
Help me to love You more than yesterday and sanctify me each day.
And loving Jesus more takes intentional effort and divine interference. I need the Spirit to draw me close to Him and I need to respond to that pull of the Spirit. And loving Jesus is hard, especially when my actions and standards don’t match up. Yesterday morning was tough. I overheard a conversation about ____ feeling upset that only his boss remembered his birthday and that broke me. Because I knew deep down, I was guilty of not expressing what I feel – I couldn’t even bring myself to wish _____ a happy birthday because I felt awkward and I didn’t know how to. At this point, there really were a lot of various emotions inside of me – awkwardness, uncertainty, fear and pride that stemmed from self-centredness. I have struggled with this for the past 9 years of my life and more, and everyday I find myself asking Jesus, what do You want me to do? How do I love in a manner that still keeps me safe?
Jesus sure is gentle and patient, slow to anger and abounding in love. As I made my way to school, helpless and upset with myself, He spoke to me. Haha it was really funny ok because my mood resembled the skies so much. It was a gloomy day, not much blue, but lots of clouds, keeping the sun out of sight. man, Jesus u know me. HAHAHA. But yeah so I began reading and praying and He reminded me through the devotionals that God helps me to do the things I cannot do. I cannot do the loving but in His love, I gain the strength and capacity to. (I know it sounds all easy and all but it really isn’t. It kills me everytime I fail to do it)
In John 15:5, Jesus says, “Apart from me you can do nothing.” So we really are paralysed. Without Christ, we are capable of no good. As Paul says in Roman 7:18, “Nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh.” But according to John 15:5, God intends for us to do something good – namely, bear fruit. So as our strong and reliable friend – “I have called you friends” (John 15:!5) – He promised to do for us what we can’t do for ourselves.
And with that, I pray. Pray because I surrender my control of what I feel and what my flesh would rather me do. I pray because I so need the Spirit to give me the urge to do what is necessary. The thought of Jesus speaking immediately to my situation just made so thankful that He is real. God truly does speaks, only if we listen and we ask.
I’m also beginning to realise and learn a lot that love is costly. Love doesn’t just cost me my time, effort, heart, you name it. Love also cost me – a lot of myself. A lot of self-denial and a lot of patience. And I’m not just talking about loving our friends and loved ones. I’m talking especially so, about loving people that’s very hard to love for various reasons.
And then Jesus gently reminded me, “Perfect love drives out all fear.”
Oh guess what, dear friend Claire Carter just sent me a quote in time to end this post. HAHAHA.
“The meaning of our lives emerges in the surrender of ourselves to an adventure of becoming who we are not yet.”
– Brennan Manning
that same morning :’) The sun still shines through.